Greatest Canadian contest an un-Canadian pursuit
by Kate Zimmerman for the North Shore News, 2004

THE search for the “Greatest Canadian” comes to its conclusion this weekend as CBC- TV milks the concept for a two-part finale. Earlier this year, the CBC solicited nominations for the most awesome Canuck from the public and has been whittling them down this television season by having “celebrities” appear and champion their favourites, then getting viewers to vote.

I haven’t watched any of this series but have heard it referred to on countless occasions on the radio. Each time, I have been struck by the sheer un-Canadian-ness of the idea of Greatest Canadian.

First off, I fail to see how a contest such as this, in which one person discovered insulin and the other had a hit song called Sk8ter Boi, can ever be resolved.

Here is the harder puzzle: since when did we care about greatness?

Oh, sure, we had “The Great One.” But not surprisingly, hockey player Wayne Gretzky was shuffled off to the States as soon as he was worth more to his owner down there than he was here.

There had been too much fawning about him, anyway; it was getting on everybody’s nerves.

And as you know, we Canadians are not at ease with the notion of greatness. We find it vulgar — most likely, because of our nation’s British roots.

If one of our countrymen is so great, we reckon, he had better take his greatness where it will be appreciated: somewhere else. Then we can criticize him or her from a distance. In a century or two, we may actually see and even acknowledge greatness in this person, conveniently forgetting his 65 years as a resident of Santa Monica. We will not recognize it, however, while he or she is still living and breathing and waving benignly in Santa Claus parades. Of the top 10 people leading the pack in CBC’s greatness sweepstakes, it is significant that seven are dead, and one is Don Cherry.

Lack of greatness – or lack of consciousness of greatness — is what separates us from the Americans. Canada’s essential struggle has been man versus Nature; Nature has always won. As a people essentially conquered by snow, we prefer to focus attention away from our shameful individual selves. We also readily accept the humility of our fellow Canucks as proof of their own lacklustre qualities. Thus, in this country, cockiness is the ultimate vice. 

So how could a Canadian possibly be great? In Don Cherry’s case, I guess it’s by showing up at a hockey rink every Saturday night for 50 winters in a row. There are probably a few janitors who could make the same claim but strangely, nobody gave them the nod. General Romeo Dallaire, number 16 on the CBC’s list, has obviously missed a few hockey games in his day, what with fighting genocide in Rwanda and all. That is so un-great.

Other nominees for the big prize (what do they get, by the way -- a brand new Petro-Canada tuque?) include Tommy Douglas, whom apparently we revere for kickstarting Medicare but don’t revere enough to vigorously protect Medicare. Sir Frederick Banting gets a nod, but not his fellow insulin discoverer, unofficially re-named Charles “Second” Best.

Sir John A. Macdonald has an edge on the big prize on account of sheer visibility. He has his face plastered all over our money and is thus more recognizable than (not-dead) David Suzuki. Pierre Elliott Trudeau (dead) is a favourite, though one guesses it may be more for his debonair manner and cape-wearing capabilities than for off-putting remarks like “Just watch me.”

P.E.T. certainly wins in the looks department over Alexander Graham Bell. But no one nominated supermodel Linda Evangelista (not-dead), and frankly, she would have left both Trudeau and Bell in the dust. At one point Evangelista reportedly said she wouldn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Meanwhile John A. Macdonald gets out of bed daily just to appear on your $10 bill. I suppose that’s pretty great.

As not-great-enough Canadians are eliminated on CBC-TV every week, Terry Fox (dead) seems to dominate the top three contenders, although (not-dead) Rick Hansen, who only circled the world in a wheelchair, is only number 30. Which leads me to ask, aren’t we really a country of Steve Fonyos?

And that brings me to my chief recommendation, which is that once CBC finally flogs this extinguished horse for once and for all (Sunday night), a sequel must surely follow. It should be so Canadian it won’t even be funny, like the Royal Canadian Air Farce. The contest? Most Okay Canadian.

You have to admit, there are an awful lot of contenders. I hope you will allow me to modestly include myself among them. We’re the people who so improperly close a screw-top jar that it invariably crashes to the floor as soon as somebody trusting picks it up by its lid. We’re the sort that gives up on hanging his Christmas lights and leaves them in a heap on the front lawn, calling the resultant tangle  “Lawn of Fire.” We’re the folks who scrape through school and employment and are content not to get a raise in 10 years, figgerin’ we’re lucky nobody has fired us. We’re the type to roll our eyes whenever the Canadian Tire commercials come on because we think the super-industrious couple on the commercials is overcompensating for something. (We hope it’s sexual.)

We’re not great. We’re just barely good enough. And that’s good enough for us.

We do not claim to be David Suzuki, tireless (and occasionally tiresome) crusader for the environment. Nor do we wish to be. Why must he parade about in that Nature-aggrandizing way? Why celebrate our oppressor? We Okay Canadians do our recycling and shut up about it. That’s ordinariness at its most selfless.

Would we throw down our lives for our country? Certainly not. It would be vain to suggest that we thought our lives were worth something. We will be happy to supply the chips and dip, though.

Just listen to these names: Ben Mulroney. The Bells. William Shatner. Al Hamel. Red Green. Gillian Guess. The Polkaroo.

They shall lead the nominees in the first few weeks of Most Okay Canadian, largely because nobody else will call in to the CBC with suggestions.  (We’re busy chilling beer, right?) Don’t worry, the Most Okay Canadian series will likely peter out, right after Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek guest-hosts the show and Stuart Mclean lopes onstage to nominate Dave and Morley from his stories on CBC Radio’s Vinyl Café.

In the meantime, try not to injure yourself in your zeal to vote for the Greatest Canadian (www.cbc.ca/greatest). Of course, if you are truly Canadian, zeal is a little hard to come by. And we’re more than okay with that.

Writing > Humour