Assaulting pleasure just because they can
by Kate Zimmerman for the North Shore News
IF you thought the “neo-cons” were bad, just wait till you meet the “neo-croms.” They make this century’s new conservatives look as fun-loving as the Wedding Crashers.
The “crom” in “neo-crom” stands for Oliver Cromwell. It hearkens back to those happy days when the Puritan Protestant and his band of not-so-merry men got rid of King Charles I and seized power, turning English society on its ear. “Neo-croms” is a new term, apparently thought up by Paul Flatters, chief executive of a British think-tank called the Future Foundation.
The Foundation — which, among other things, advises the communications/marketing community on commercial strategy — recently conducted a study of 1,000 Britons measuring their attitudes toward certain types of pleasures. The study discovered that there are now “substantial pockets” of people in British society who want to re-define what constitutes anti-social behaviour. In particular, they’d like to eliminate activities that most of us consider to be good, clean fun.
In Cromwell’s time, banned endeavours included morris dancing — frowned upon because it might lead to begging. In the neo-cromwellians’ time, they include preventing children from eating chocolate.
The neo-crom trend may be bad news for the Cadbury Flake bar. It’s no surprise, given the Brits’ legendary predilection for spankings. But no longer are cruel headmasters and naughty madams the ones wielding the strap; the privilege has been extended, metaphorically at least, to the rest of the populace. It’s a right that many are eager to assume.
Cromwell, who advocated strict discipline and morality, was also a Providentialist. That meant he believed that God directed world events using certain select people as his conduits. As one of Jehovah’s good old boys, Cromwell knew that the viewpoints of himself and his followers were beyond reproach and therefore should prevail.
And so it is for today’s neo-croms.
For according to the Future Foundation’s study, not only are many Britons these days keen to relinquish their own pleasures and luxuries— they’re even more willing to ensure that everybody else should be deprived. More than a third, apparently, generously concur that “We should think twice before giving sweets and chocolates as gifts to family and friends.”
I am all for denying other people pleasure. I must say, though, it’s a pity that respondents weren’t offered the opportunity to list the acceptable alternatives to gifts of candy. Left to extrapolate, I’m guessing that in a neo-crom world, any gift would have to be an absolute essential. What about a recycled plastic bag full of tap water for a child’s birthday? I can already picture the giddy response. How about splurging on a big box of air for a special anniversary?
While this trend is great news for my own bank account, I can see how the neo-croms aren’t likely to be welcomed by the manufacturers of consumer goods. In a post-poll report called The Assault on Pleasure, the Future Foundation notes that in modern culture, advertisers position their products as treats that we all deserve — think: designer coffee and luxury cars. What happens when society decides that these treats are neither socially nor culturally tolerable, the report asks. How can you sell anything to people who strongly disapprove of consuming?
To cement its claim of a societal pattern, the Foundation lists numerous things that have recently been restricted, made illegal, or discouraged in the U.K. They include smoking in bars and sports stadiums; hunting with dogs; driving into cities; sunbathing; watching sex on television; eating hamburgers/tuna/veal/salt/cereals/sausages (to which a North American might add beef/chicken/pork/genetically modified fruits and vegetables); selecting cod or salmon for dinner; snacking; drinking full-strength coffee; going to a happy hour; and “sending children on adventure holidays.” (Whatever that means: pushing them off cliffs?). The list also mentions “buying a home in beauty spots.”
Meanwhile, almost half of those participating in the poll felt that the government ought to ban chocolate vending machines in both schools and hospitals. Neo-croms apparently believe that the pasty complexion and flabby physique of the average British youth does not benefit from a steady access to Twix bars. So, Hermione, no more choccies during Latin class. And no sweets for you after brain surgery, either, Reg, or after you deliver your octuplets, Prunella. Sit-ups all round, guv-nor — spit-spot!
Another thing, Pruney. Don’t be thinking you’ll be hiking the hills to rid yourself of that post-natal fat. A quarter of those polled by the Future Foundation felt that areas of natural beauty in the U.K. shouldn’t be open to all and sundry. In the neo-croms’ opinion, only a proscribed number of people should be allowed to enjoy these sites every year, lest their splendours be ruined.
Speaking of the rugged, and those who emulate them, jeep and SUV drivers also need to take care — the neo-croms want their vehicles ousted from city centres. “Onto the buses and into the tubes with ye, terrorists or no,” the abstemious neo-crom might shout, climbing onto his own rickety bicycle for the 40 km. ride to work in the sensible-shoe-making plant.
I’m not a fan of SUVs myself — largely because I can’t afford one. I, too, would like to insist that others drive what I drive — an old, fuel-efficient Saturn with the back seat burnt out of it. In fact, if I were a neo-crom, I’d make everybody burn the back seat out of his car himself, on general principles.
I do have to admit that the neo-croms’ view that alcohol should no longer be allowed at places of work threw me into a bit of a depression. I had had no idea that if only I lived in Manchester, Liverpool or some such I could be drinking at my desk, or in my crane, all day long. It’s probably too late for me to move to the U.K. and take advantage of this enviable situation. With my new understanding of the rules of the English workplace, though, I must say that the characters on Coronation Street have become a lot less mysterious.
Last came the best news of all. It appears that neo-croms have an opinion on what pregnant women should be able to do with their bodies, not unlike neo-cons. Or actual cons, for that matter. A third of those who participated in the survey agreed that pregnant women “found smoking in a public place” should be given a caution by a police officer.
Hurrah! God knows the British police have nothing better to do.
Writing > Humour
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