Predictions for the new year
by Kate Zimmerman for the North Shore News

THE new year has arrived and with it a set of especially perspicacious horoscopes, compliments of myself, Madame Mysterioso.

If you don’t know what perspicacious means, look it up in that Word of the Day calendar you got December 25. How do I know you got one? I am an astrologer, doofus. I also know there is a gob of mint-green toothpaste beside your main floor toilet that has been there since 1998. In addition, let me just point out that your tea kettle is about to boil dry.

CAPRICORN: Expect the expected this year as old friends continue to ply you with incredibly long e-mails about their cats. Anticipate meals in which Kraft foods dominate as the in-laws move in and you are relegated to a hot-plate in the attic. Don’t eavesdrop on them through the vents — you will discover horrifying things about what really goes into Blue Mountain pottery.  Career-wise, it’s a banner year; a job refurbishing banners for used car dealerships will entice you late in 2005. Romantically, you might as well give up. I’m not kidding.

AQUARIUS: Your idealistic nature has led you to the sorry state in which you now find yourself: toiling as a restaurant smell detective in West Vancouver. Realize that trying to make a living by tilting at windmills is counterproductive unless you live in Holland. In terms of the opposite sex, you would do well to remember that any hardboiled film noir shamus you can think of did better girl-wise than Forrest Gump. Life is not always a box of chocolates; sometimes it’s a soggy vegetarian sub. Deal with it.

PISCES: Oh, you slippery fish. Your wriggling away from commitment is about to end as a rodeo clown lassoes your heart. This is also the year in which you will receive your first penis reduction spam. Don’t let the flattery go to your head; you could lose hundreds of dollars and only four or five inches. At work, the boss notices and dislikes your pore size. Avoid calling her petty.

ARIES:  Will you never learn? Your hotheaded office antics with the staple-free stapler have been remarked upon by higher-ups. The glass ceiling just got painted black. Also, nobody liked the nuts you made and sent around the office at Christmas. Many felt they were “too pepper-y.” In your love chart, I see nothing but warm fuzzies. That’s right, you can look forward to an infestation of caterpillars in your underwear drawer. It’s not your year, Aries. Go back to bed.

TAURUS: Bullheadedness is not an endearing quality, as any Minotaur could tell you. Yet you refuse to see the error of your ways and give in. Tut-tut. Your legendary loyalty should stand you in good stead this year with the dictators in your life. You may want to cut bait whenever machetes are brandished. Cupid has something up his sleeve for you in 2005 — unfortunately, it’s a French cigarette.

GEMINI: As the sign characterized by twins, you should steer clear of real doppelgangers in 2005. The Olsens will be a bummer for you. Refuse to babysit for Hortense and Gaylord, or whatever Julia Roberts called her babies. The evening will be unfortunate and the snacks will be low-fat. In the love department, try to buy a thong a day. You don’t have to wear them; just leave them dribbling out of your mail slot in your apartment building. Somebody will bite eventually.

CANCER: You have the worst name in the zodiac and therefore deserve our pity as compensation. The new moon in Virgo guarantees a gigantic raise and increased responsibilities; this year, you will finally be allowed to handle the deep fat fryer. A grisly accident in June will result in a depressing bikini season. Never mind, you will be engaged to either Ben Affleck or Liz Taylor by August, and reviled as a lowdown ho in a song by Snoop Dogg by November. This is your time to shine!

LEO: Where Madonna leads, you follow. Her decision to retire and become a grizzled, mustachioed elder in the Kabbalah church this February will have you questioning your own secular impulses.  Why not? Everybody is sick of your grandstanding anyway. Bury yourself in mystical teachings and turn your back on conical brassieres. But bring hot sauce; the food is very bland.

VIRGO: Your perpetual nitpicking makes you the most unpopular sign in the zodiac. When Mercury goes retrograde all will be laughing as you slip on banana peel after banana peel and your witless bungling prompts comparisons to Chevy Chase. Your public attempts to force Ralph Klein to marry you in a same-sex extravaganza cement the impression.

LIBRA: Make a decision, why don’t you. It’s always “Should I be a man or a woman” with you. Here’s a tip: choose the sex for which you already have the clothes. As for your work life, it’s time to move into a career where you never have to make a clear decision. You might want to try being Prime Minister of Canada.

SCORPIO: Word to the wise: this Friday, don’t use the bank machine at London Drugs anywhere near noon. Also, Tuesday, avoid ordering the soup du jour. After that, you’re on your own. You cannot stand being bossed around anyway, so write your own frickin’ horoscope.

SAGITTARIUS: It’s Sunday, and you’re in Canada. That’s all you need to know, oh roaming one. However, Madame Mysterioso is a kind and thoughtful woman, so she will tell you that you dropped your contact lens on the escalator at Cap Mall. And a tall dark stranger bearing a Lululemon yoga mat and the scent of Yerba Mate tea has something important to tell you about the child you left behind at Whole Foods on Christmas Eve. I can be no more specific than that for fear of wrecking the surprise.

Enjoy the new year.

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