What’s In, What’s Out: The Ultimate List
by Kate Zimmerman

IT’S that time of year again, the time when we in the media issue our arbitrary decrees regarding what should send you scurrying into the shops in search of what’s “hot,” and scrambling to the Sally Ann to furtively unload what’s “not.”

Despite rumours to the contrary, these lists are not just whimsically thrown together every year by one embittered recent divorcee loaded up on Dr. McGillicuddy’s mentholmint schnapps.

No, as always, for 2005 they were devised as a result of long, painstaking research by noted trendologists such as Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Mischa Barton, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Eminem, Jude Law, several Wayans, Stephen Hawking, Carson Kressley and P. Diddy.

Faith Popcorn, as is her wont, provided the snacks.

Holed up in the desert for months in a “totally solar” hut made of freeze-dried weasel turds, this dedicated band of style oracles painstakingly weighed all the hottest options. Their incisive banter as they tirelessly debated true hottishness was so au courant it would have made Karl Lagerfeld cry. (Of course, what wouldn’t?) Even the local iguanas listened in breathless fascination as this shellacked troop of troupers determined that high-thread-count sheets were completely out, and old brown sleeping-bags with broken zippers and “a slight whiff of pee” totally in.

Along the way to their decision-making, Paris Hilton felt strongly that S’mores made with slightly stale Graham Crackers deserved their 15 minutes. Stephen Hawking said he thought a nice bath in a plain, non-Jacuzzi tub was “the cat’s meow.” Mischa Barton said she thought the expression “the cat’s meow” was the cat’s meow. Carson Kressley said “Cress is the new parsley.”

The list, however, had to be mercilessly whittled down until it achieved the dimensions that follow. Please follow the dictates of these vogueish potentates unquestioningly.

What’s Hot

  1. Heat. It’s totally hot. Cold is totally not hot. As Ashlee Simpson said (though in a different context), “Duh!”

  2. Underwear that has lost its elasticity is hot. Especially brassieres, and the dingier the better. If they are held together with safety pins, Eminem said, “Uh-huh! Uh-huh!” Whatever that meant.

  3. Hair with no style whatsoever is sizzling hot. “It should make your face look reeeeeaaaal baaaaaad,” said P. Diddy, who, by the way, is changing his name to Perky but will not explain.

  4. Flab is awesome hot. Although Mischa Barton did ask “What’s that?” before Nick Lachey tenderly explained it to her during a long hot walk which caused Jessica Simpson to freak out like an exploded banana. Anyway, “Flab is fab” according to Carson Kressley, who is cultivating what he calls a “sashimi paunch.”

  5. The rainbow. “We’re all so tired of beige,” said Jessica Simpson, looking down at her low-cut suede halter top and wiping a drizzle of sweat from between her two beige hillocks.

  6. Buddhism. “That’s never been done,” said Ashlee Simpson, who, fortunately, looks excellent in saffron.

  7. English actors taking American roles. (Jude Law suggested this one. The vote for it was unanimous, except for however many Wayans there were that day.)

  8. Carbs. “As a vegetarian, I found it so-o-o-o hard to be eating meat all the time,” said Paris Hilton, suddenly enveloping her revolting Chihuahua in a hoagie bun.

  9. Brunettes. Why not? “It’s time to stop the racism,” said Ashlee.

  10. Shillelaghs. Actually, nobody except Eminem knew what a shillelagh was, but they really like the Irish so, whatever. Colin Farrell rocks!

  11. Pock marks. “They’re so delightfully authentic,” said Jude Law, sticking a pinky out as he drank his totally hot tea out of a real china cup with a gold rim. “I mean, you can’t fake a pock mark. You have to have had the chicken pox, haven’t you?”

  12. Hockey strikes. “Because of the strike, people are actually watching my show in Canada now! It must be, like, subtitled over there,” said Jessica Simpson.

  13. Dilapidated vehicles. “Yo, posh is over,” said Perky, who has ordered a whole lot of crappy Yugos from Yugoslavia, which he claimed was a real place.

  14. Dirty things. “It’s so gross when everything is clean all the time,” said Mischa Barton. She had spinach between her teeth and said she didn’t even care.

  15. Stupidity. “I’m sick of being super-dee-dooper smart,” said Jessica Simpson, smacking Nick Lachey over the head with her hair straightener when he did a spit-take. “Me, too,” said Paris Hilton, Stephen Hawking and all of the Wayans.

What’s Not Hot or, in Other Words, Hot-Free

  1. What’s Hot lists.

  2. Giraffes. Why did we ever like them in the first place? God!

  3. Oprahmercials, where Oprah spends her whole show giving away products from advertisers to blubbering audience members. Bring back the bipolar drag queens. They were hot. Or hot and cold.

  4. Leftover turkey without leftover stuffing. That is hotless … until you microwave it, anyway.

  5. Not knowing your times tables.

  6. Flimsy plastic bags full of chocolate pudding. Hell-o!

  7. Accidentally eating your dog’s liver brownies instead of the Almond Roca you had stashed in the freezer for emergencies. Although the liver brownies were excellent.

  8. Highland clogging. Actually, anything to do with the highlands  — sorry. Lowlands have come into their own. They’re the “it” land.

  9. Bread pudding made out of stale Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

  10. Thong bikinis in the workplace. I don’t want to have to tell you this twice.

  11. Plumbers who show up to fix your toilet in their pajamas. What is that?

  12. Evening primrose oil. Like it isn’t actually just canola oil in a straw hat.

  13. Pretending that Sophia Loren is a great actress.

  14. Gigantic sushi that can neither be cut in quarters with chopsticks nor swallowed whole. They’re each supposed to be bite-sized, you idiot chefs, not the magnitude of a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.

  15. Moi. I am not now, nor have I ever been, hot. But I’m okay with it. You?

Writing > Humour

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